Here’s a very common question I receive from women
“My boyfriend sufferers from really bad premature ejaculation. What should I do and how can I talk about it with him?”
Whilst recently talking to Mike about premature ejaculation he mentioned that 30 percent of the people purchasing his Beyond Delay training course were female. This was initially quite surprising but after thinking about it some more it made perfect sense.
Whilst we tend to think of premature ejaculation as a problem for guys that’s only half of the story. In truth, it is an issue that affects both partners in a relationship. While on the physical front it leads to similarly disappointing sexual experiences and fulfillment for both partners, I have found that the way each partner thinks about this problem is vastly different.
While premature ejaculation is very hard on the man experiencing it, it can also be difficult for the female in the relationship. Many women will search for information online before discussing the topic with their partner. Perhaps this is you. Well, you have come to the right place because here we will examine this premature ejaculation from a female perspective.
When bringing up the topic of premature ejaculation with your man it needs to be done very subtlety and diplomatically. While for you. This problem is preventing your sexual fulfillment, for him (in his mind anyway) this issue humiliates him as a man. He will feelings of shame, fear and inadequacy. He will feel downright terrible about it.
That is why it can be so hard for him to talk about this problem and why it’s important for you to approach it the right way.
Don’t make a joke about it (to start with anyway)
Once you have discussed premature ejaculation and decided to work together to take action I normally encourage my clients to make a light-hearted joke of things. It helps to relax him and keeps things in perspective. However. You should NEVER joke or laugh about his early ejaculation before you get to this stage. Although I’m sure it’s not your intention he WILL feel as though he is being humiliated and will likely lead to him avoiding or ignoring the problem instead of getting help.
He’ll probably tell you it’s because you are hot (it’s not)
Now I’m not saying you aren’t hot. I’m sure you are. But this is not the reason he is ejaculating prematurely. In many cases, it’s because he is nervous. That’s why it’s important to comfort him.
Being a woman. As I’m sure you know, men are generally not the best communicator at the best of times. When they are feeling the shame and embarrassment associated with premature ejaculation their natural reaction is to just shut down completely. For you to even broach the subject of premature ejaculation is going to be really difficult. It may even require a few separate attempts before you are really able to start talking about it.
Best time to talk about it.
When most couples first discuss premature ejaculation is often the worst time to do so. And that’s right after it has occurred. At this time you may be feeling frustrated and unsatisfied and he will be feeling embarrassed and inadequate. It really is the worst time to open up the communication lines on the issue.
So when is the best time? Well, I have found from my experiences and from the men and women I have treated that the best time to talk about it is actually before you have sex. If he has experienced premature ejaculation with you before he will probably be pretty nervous and low on confidence at this stage anyway.
You could also bring the topic up while away from the bedroom. Obviously, do it when the two of you are alone and not during a dinner party with all your friends over.
Do some of your own research
This can be harder said than done, with a large proportion of articles online giving out misleading and down-right unhelpful advice. In fact, premature ejaculation would have to be one of the most highly misunderstood issues that couples face.
Going a Google search for “how to last longer in bed” will give you a range of mostly very badly written articles with advice to men such as “Distract yourself by thinking about baseball” (one of the worst things he can do by the way) or to eat lots of carrots.
As Mike Anderson points out here, most men who are affected by premature ejaculation have nothing wrong with them and the dilemma is caused by more a lack of skills and understanding than a deep-rooted psychological or physical condition. The sooner you both understand this, the sooner you can fix it.
This summary on how to stop premature ejaculation for men is a great place to start learning about what he will need to do to start lasting longer in bed.
You can work on it together
Once you are both on the same page the chances that you will get over it and have a fulfilling sex life increase dramatically. Your support will help take the pressure off and mean you can start working at it together.
Keep things in perspective
I mentioned before that’s important not to laugh at or belittle his premature ejaculation problem when you first bring it up. However, once you are comfortable talking about it, it can actually help to share a light-hearted joke and to keep things in perspective. After all the more relaxed he is the better his chances are of being able to last longer in bed.